I used to think that if I kept walking around in my parents’ woods, I’d get lost and have to live off of the land. This would have been great had I known how to hunt, climb trees and start fires. Oh, and if I wouldn’t have been afraid of the dark or the woods would have been big enough that you couldn’t see our house from the other end. True Story.

I set my pants on fire once. Accidentally. True Story.

Once I won mafia by convincing the two remaining villagers to pick each other off. True Story.

When I was a kid, I thought that when I sang I sounded exactly like Belle from Beauty and the Beast. I didn’t. True Story.

The trailer to “Return of the King” gave me the chills… but I fell asleep when I actually watched it. True Story.

I used to think that if I put lotion on mosquito bites they would disappear. They don’t. True Story.

The first time I listened to One Direction I thought they were great. Then I listened to them again and realized they weren’t. True Story.

Before my piano recital, I tried to jump off the swing set in such a way that I would land wrong and break my wrist because I didn’t want to play in front of people. Too bad I had such good reflexes and such a strong fear of pain. True Story.

There was a time that I thought I was hilarious. I demonstrated this by coloring my nose red and pretending to be a clown named “Ted Tart Turd”. I’m delighted that the phase only lasted a few months… and that my mother refused to take pictures and movie of me during this phase. True Story.

I ate a bacon sundae at Burger King and it may be the most delicious ice cream dish I’ve had in a long time. True Story.