Dear Aisle 3 guy at Wal+Mart,

I don’t know if you realize this yet or not, but I have found your wife. (To see her picture, please click HERE)
There are a few things about her that you should know:

1) In stark contrast to the picture that you just viewed (in case you missed it, HERE it is again) she is not an awkward person. She is, in fact, absolutely adorable in every way (except that she “breathes” loudly when she is sleeping (she is VERY adamant that it is NOT snoring)… and she had a severe drooling problem until age 6)

2) She thinks you are adorable and would probably die if you ever spoke to her. (Die of excitement, that is.)

3) She is NOT a stalker… though she does know your “normal” aisle (Aisle 3), and your “normal” working hours (weekends… 2nd shift)  AND she might just check all the aisles if she doesn’t see you right away… just in case you decided to try the other side of the building.  She also plans her shopping trips around your work schedule.  She hopes that some day, you will be able to tell your grandchildren “of all the Aisles in all the Wal+Marts in all the world… Marta walked into mine”.

4) She knows all about you.  You see, she has never spoken to you (though, by some clever sleuth work, she did learn your name). She has decided that (given your long dark eyelashes and perfect teeth) you are probably brilliant and are most likely in law school.  She knows all about those two years you spent in the peace corps in India… and about the 5 months you volunteered in Uganda feeding orphans.  How does she know? … well… she just does.  Don’t try to hide the fact that you are living in a small 1-bedroom apartment so that the extra money you make at Wal+Mart can help support your sister and her family of 6 (who lost their home in a tragic fire a few years back).  You had a short medical career but decided to give it up to pursue your law degree. You also donate your time to a local church congregation and play the acoustic 12-string guitar and sing.  As she puts it “he’s SOOO attractive”. Before she knew your name, she called you “Wal+Mart Hottie”,  because, in her book, that is exactly what you are.

5) She has missed you.  We haven’t seen you in about 2 months. She’s not sure if it’s because you’ve finished your law degree and have finally moved to DC to fight injustice and protect the unborn… or perhaps you found a better-paying job to help support your widowed sister and her 7 children… but, sadly, you have not been working your normal 2nd shift weekend hours. She wants you to know that she misses you and, should you decide that you’re finally ready to settle down, she’s here for you.

6) She is not desperate. Just FYI, Marta is an incredibly independent young lady. She is smart, has a great job, and is drop-dead gorgeous. Regardless of what you may have heard about a certain loaf of cucumber bread, she’s also a pretty great cook! She has many plans for her life and whoever gets her will be the luckiest guy in the world (… well, besides the guy who snags me…) She is not interested in settling for 2nd best, so if you are ANYTHING less than she has imagined, sorry buddy… hit the road. (Which you may have already done, judging by your lack of WalMart-ness)

From a concerned sister (and, possibly your future sister-in-law),